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[personal profile] meryl_edan
It's been a while since [ profile] icedteainthebag and I have joined forces to produce crack. We've both moved on to other things. Yesterday, though, I couldn't resist snarking in the [ profile] rememberlaura daily post about missing scenes. This exchange led to the following late-night, cracked-out conversation.

Disclaimer: If snark about BSG or Laura or Bill or any other character upsets you, you should not read this. If you are offended by, well, pretty much anything, you definitely shouldn't read this. You've been warned.

Erin: "bring me the head of the head of your department"
Adrienne: LOL
Adrienne: ok that's getting old
Erin: it really is
Adrienne: BITCHFACE wtf
Erin: whatever, you say stupid shit sometimes
Adrienne: i do all the time
Erin: not that i don't
Adrienne: most of what i say is
Erin: i'm just saying
Adrienne: i love stupid shit
Erin: me too
Adrienne: our heels in the grate convo was awesome
Adrienne: fucking right
Erin: oh yeah
Erin: i was participating
Adrienne: I loved that
Adrienne: see, you participated and got crack in return
Erin: everyone was all serious
Erin: i was like, fuck that
Adrienne: lol
Erin: missing scenes
Adrienne: pratfalls
Erin: damn straight
Adrienne: i want bloopers
Erin: that's what that show was missing
Adrienne: people cussing and shit
Adrienne: confusing frak with fuck
Erin: not nearly enough laughs anywhere in there
Adrienne: no
Erin: it's the main reason i hate the show
Adrienne: maybe Gaeta could lose his artificial leg
Adrienne: and hop around the ship looking
Erin: then laura has to stop bitching about her heels getting caught
Erin: gaeta's entire fucking leg gets stuck
Adrienne: LOL!!!!!
Adrienne: fuck
Adrienne: it falls right off and he falls on his face
Erin: and Bill refuses to put mats down for him
Erin: because he's not banging gaeta
Erin: only Laura gets the mats
Adrienne: gaeta's like, standing on the mat and looking wistfully at the CIC, yards away
Adrienne: if only it would come to me
Erin: it's like crossing an ocean
Erin: there's no fucking way
Adrienne: luckily
Adrienne: hot dog comes along with a cardboard box
Adrienne: and hands it off to gaeta who then sits in it and uses it as a boat
Erin: wow
Adrienne: he doesn't like, carry gaeta
Adrienne: or help gaeta
Erin: no, because that would be gay
Adrienne: hot dog is NOT FUCKING GAY
Adrienne: he is all man
Erin: Bill turns around and sees gaeta sailing into the cic in his box
Adrienne: LOL
Erin: Tigh thinks he's seeing things
Erin: and goes to try to sleep it off
Erin: even though he's not drunk
Adrienne: Bill tells Tigh if he would stop drinking maybe he too could have his own box
Adrienne: but now he's just a worthless drunk
Adrienne: if Bill gave Tigh a box, Tigh would immediately declare martial law
Erin: i loved the image of Laura beating her shoes on the floor and screaming
Adrienne: lol
Adrienne: me too
Erin: i picture her up on that walkway above the hangar deck. everyone stops to stare at her
Erin: and she yells down at them
Erin: what the frak are you all looking at
Adrienne: OMG Yes
Adrienne: YES
Erin: it's like the raptor sex all over again. no one wants to have to be the one to call bill
Adrienne: lol
Adrienne: "She's at it again. Frak, I called him last time. And... *looking at watch*... it's his bathtime now too, shit"
Adrienne: Raptor sex FTW
Erin: bill answers the phone in his head, listens, and says 'tell the chief to get up there with her mats'
Erin: the chief is the only one who can withstand her heel beatings
Erin: because she wails on anyone who gets close
Erin: chief kinda throws the mats down in front of her, from a distance
Erin: like throwing parts of an antelope carcass at a tiger to get it to move away
Adrienne: LOLOL
Adrienne: fUCK yes
Erin: i'm not sure tigers eat antelope. i might have my ecosystems mixed up
Erin: but you get the idea
Adrienne: Bill's like "you have to put the mats down in a line so she can walk on them"
Adrienne: Chief's like "Frak your crazy frakkin' girlfriend, she's gonna eat me for dinner if i get any closer"
Erin: Laura's foaming at the mouth at this point
Adrienne: Still beating the grating with her shoes
Erin: seeing snakes
Adrienne: fucking chanting some shit
Erin: lol
Adrienne: some Kobol shit
Erin: cally's muttering that they don't need mats, they need an exorcism
Adrienne: Somebody get the catholic priest!!!!.... brother Cavil shows up
Erin: fuck
Erin: oh man
Adrienne: lmao
Erin: he looks at her and is like, i'm not touching that
Erin: 'i'd rather be airlocked'
Adrienne: "Airlock the priest!!" Laura says, "nyinglalalalagluisalalaaa"
Erin: Tory does it
Adrienne: lmao
Erin: finally Bill finishes his bath and wanders down to see how it's going
Erin: he sees random piles of mats strewn about
Erin: the chief's suit is all torn up
Adrienne: Gaeta's finally made it over there in his fucking box
Erin: bite marks
Erin: lol
Adrienne: He's got a flask of water and he's throwing it on Laura trying to cast out whatever the fuck is going on
Erin: lol
Adrienne: the hell
Erin: he starts singing to try to calm her down
Adrienne: Bite marks lolol,
Adrienne: OMG
Adrienne: Her ears perk up and she is suddenly silent
Erin: someone yells for hot dog to bring his lute up there to accompany gaeta
Erin: but hot dog refuses because that's really fucking gay
Adrienne: Chief even agrees
Adrienne: "that's really fucking gay, that lute shit"
Erin: even though he's bleeding from about 12 wounds
Adrienne: "I want the LUTE!!" Laura screams
Adrienne: "Give me the frakkin lute or I'm coming for all of you"
Erin: i feel like Bill just throws a sack or a net over her at that point and drags her back to his quarters
Erin: no more fucking around
Erin: the next CAP needs to get out or something
Adrienne: he gets his big ol Laura sack
Adrienne: it has her name on it so nobody is mistaken
Adrienne: and thinks it is potatoes
Erin: or a bobcat
Adrienne: lololol
Erin: because she's kind of hissing and clawing now
Adrienne: "LAURA ROSLIN not a bobcat"
Erin: lmao
Erin: he tells TIgh to stencil it on
Erin: drunk stenciling
Adrienne: lol, it's all over, letters in the wrong place
Erin: you can tell he just gave up at the end
Adrienne: SL O A R LILIS.... bob cat
Erin: lol
Adrienne: U
Adrienne: R
Adrienne: lolol
Erin: it's like the third time this week that this has happened
Adrienne: they're running out of stencils.
Erin: chief is running out of coveralls
Adrienne: Gaeta's still trying to get back to his rack from three days ago so he can sleep but the cardboard box is so frakkin slow
Erin: now these mats everywhere slow him down because he can't slide over them
Erin: but because they're in piles he can't get up and walk on them either
Adrienne: LOL like those fucking things they put on the road, speed bumps
Adrienne: don't go too fast, felix
Erin: he hates that the aristocracy gets this special treatment
Adrienne: LOL
Adrienne: he decides to beat Bill Adama with his fake leg
Adrienne: Frak this mutiny shit, that's too complicated, a good leg beating will get the job done.
Erin: once you get to Laura in a sack over Bill's shoulder, you have to end it
Erin: because it just gets kinky after that
Adrienne: she's not there yet is she
Adrienne: Where is Laura Roslin
Erin: i think she's in the sack now
Erin: the bobcat sack
Erin: does bill carry it or drag it
Adrienne: you know Bill could just throw it over his shoulder like Santa with a light load.
Erin: does she get bumped over the hatch rim thing
Erin: oh right, because Bill is so massive and powerful
Adrienne: He is fucking massive
Adrienne: and slightly powerful
Adrienne: Of course she gets bumped.
Erin: his chest ripples when he carries the sack
Erin: or perhaps that is a heart attack
Adrienne: LOL, I hope it's not him stroking out
Adrienne: I think it's just him being sexy
Erin: ok good
Adrienne: She's screaming and throwing a fucking fit in that bag
Adrienne: people are wondering what is in that bag but then they read it
Erin: she starts trying to chew her way out with her eyeteeth
Adrienne: lol, like a drop bear
Erin: YES
Erin: omg
Erin: bill tries to sing to her but it's just not the same
Erin: he only knows that one song
Erin: and he can only remember the words when he's stoned
Adrienne: Meanwhile Gaeta is following them, huffing and puffing in his box, with his leg raised high
Adrienne: his fake leg
Adrienne: lmao
Erin: hot dog is airlocking his lute because he's sick to shit of the mocking
Adrienne: Chief is trying to convince Cally to wash his bloody jumpsuits
Erin: chief's in sick bay getting stitches
Erin: or that
Erin: maybe both
Adrienne: both
Adrienne: lol
Erin: and a rabies shot
Adrienne: "Look at me baby, I'm all screwed up, do my laundry"
Erin: Bill comes to a ladder and can't decide what to do
Erin: just drop her down?
Erin: seems a little harsh
Erin: but then she bites the back of his leg through the sack and he decides no, not too harsh
Erin: ok, now this is getting twisted
Adrienne: LOL
Adrienne: "Hold on" he says
Adrienne: "I'm just going to put you down a sec'
Erin: lmao
Adrienne: "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah*thunk*"
Adrienne: lmao
Adrienne: "Laura"
Erin: elosha has seen both chamalla benders AND demon possession before and she knows this isn't it. she suspects this is some kinky bill/laura foreplay.
Erin: but she doesn't say anything because she doesn't want to be kicked out of her posh digs on colonial one
Adrienne: She was too busy getting a pedicure to come over and do the exorcism
Erin: exactly
Adrienne: it matches her headscarf btw
Erin: of course it does
Adrienne: "Bill?" Bill hears from the shaft at his feet
Adrienne: the one he just threw the President down.
Erin: lol
Adrienne: "Bill?"
Adrienne: ...."Admiral Adama?"
Adrienne: Bill does not know what to do apparently
Erin: sorry, i got bored and went back to my Closer story
Adrienne: LOL, FU
Erin: lmfao
Adrienne: best ever ending
Erin: so much
Erin: once she's in the sack, i'm done
Erin: you need a cliffhanger ending anyway
Adrienne: it's fine with me, though i did like the shaft play
Erin: maybe just then gaeta catches up to bill and whacks him in the back of the head and bill falls down the shaft
Adrienne: YES
Erin: he and laura are both knocked out
Adrienne: on top of each other
Erin: saul's now in charge of the entire fleet
Adrienne: Ellen declares it "Frak a Nugget" day
Erin: lol
Erin: cylons show up
Erin: kill them all
Erin: humans lose
Erin: all because of bill and laura's stupid foreplay
Erin: gone awry
Adrienne: Gods damn them.
Erin: elosha finds laura in the afterlife and bitchslaps her for fucking up the prophesy
Adrienne: "Don't you even call yourself a Dying Leader! You are dead to me!"
Adrienne: Elosha's logic is flawed
Erin: kara's relieved because now she doesn't have to die-but-not-die twice
Adrienne: She fraks Lee
Erin: billy shows up and is like, i've been waiting for you, and punches lee in the face
Adrienne: Dee shows up and says, "I've been waiting for you" and punches Lee in the face
Erin: lolol
Erin: lee is so awful
Adrienne: Poor Lee
Erin: man
Erin: that show makes me so sad
Erin: it could have been a great comedy
Erin: comedy/porno
Adrienne: Mary wants to do a comedy
Erin: we could print this up in screenplay form and send it to her
Erin: if eddie can redo the whole show in movie form then so can she
Erin: she can be the star this time
Erin: instead of eddie's naked wife
Adrienne: I think she would love to act all possessed and be thrown in a sack and down a shaft in a sack, that is true comedy right there
Adrienne: fucking sitcom material
Erin: hey, peg legs are funny
Erin: as are guys acting homophobic
Erin: that's regular tv
Adrienne: oh i agree. there should be more peg legs, homophobic guys, and one-eyed dudes.


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